I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.