I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I found your tweet-up…
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
#SuperBowl
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.