@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.

You Might Also Like

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

@MazMEDEA

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

@MarfSalvador

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

@ThugRaccoons

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

@magicChopstick

Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

@Skoog

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

@TheHyyyype

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

@someofmybest

sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long

@Bandersnaaatch

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.