Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
– do u like green eggs & ham?
– i do not like them, sam i am
– but why?
– animal agriculture leads to global warming sam read a goddamn book
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.