I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.

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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*


Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick


I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.


*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind



If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.


Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.


– do u like green eggs & ham?
– i do not like them, sam i am
– but why?
– animal agriculture leads to global warming sam read a goddamn book