I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?