@PeaceInTruth1

I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.

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@philco816

Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@stenokel

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

@BrainFumbles

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

@Home_Halfway

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

@murrman5

what’s on your back?
“a katana”
what?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”

@sixfootcandy

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

@zapmyass

I’ve been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?