Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You Might Also Like
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.