@PeaceInTruth1

I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.

You Might Also Like

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@fro_vo

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

@pilau

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

@ClickHole

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

@Jake_Vig

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@thetigersez

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

@NotARatsAss

I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.