I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Sit down and let me tell you a story.
Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.