I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this