I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years