@Gupton68

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

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@English_Channel

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@wolfpupy

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

@RodLacroix

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

@DevilryFun

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@EndhooS

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants