I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.