I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”

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Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.


Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay


Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.


I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.


A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!


Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.


co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird


The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling