Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling