*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”
Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”
Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.