I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
🤣😂
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Sponch
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key