@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

You Might Also Like

@SemFitty

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@daemonic3

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

@KyleMcDowell86

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

@AmandaRNH

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@AkashThakan

Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.