@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

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@NotARatsAss

My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

@BoogTweets

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

@david8hughes

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

@PhilJamesson

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

@krisv_723

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

@Rebecca8672

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

@HatfieldAnne

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.