Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
I actually love streets
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.