*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.