@Contwixt

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

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@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

@UncleDuke1969

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@Average_Dad1

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

@GrabTheWEness

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.