Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal
[later at dinner]
her: why are you doing this?
me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??
[ new burger joint ]
Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town
Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.