Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
me and who
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.