i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I bet
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa