@hythemafia

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

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@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

@sixthformpoet

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

@nevernicethings

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

@h0tmessmama

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

@Social_Mime

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

@SirEviscerate

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

@SamuelHLowe

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?