I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
When someone trying to leave me
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.