I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.