@lonelydandruff
we r all Mehmet
@rachiecandice
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
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@lonelydandruff
@primawesome
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
@Death_Buddy
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
@OhNoSheTwitnt
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
@Ristolable
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
@junejuly12
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
@TweetPotato314
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
@PleaseBeGneiss
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
@tsm560
I’ve had a pot of coffee and two energy drinks and you can’t even tell, I say from the ceiling
@TheCatWhisprer
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.