@rachiecandice

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

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@primawesome

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

@Ristolable

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

@junejuly12

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

@TweetPotato314

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

@PleaseBeGneiss

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

@tsm560

I’ve had a pot of coffee and two energy drinks and you can’t even tell, I say from the ceiling

@TheCatWhisprer

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.