I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
A small tragedy.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”