I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.