@mo_HoC7

I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭

You Might Also Like

@jollyrobber

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

@glo_stevens

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

@fro_vo

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

@KeyLimeShy

Me *at my office*: β€œDo you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: β€œI’m not smoking.”
Me: β€œNo, I meant your kid.”

@benjiovo

Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.

@murrman5

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

@abbycohenwl

-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim

@SouthernStylin1

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

@GorillaNipples1

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.