just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
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WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me
ME: she’s a liar
WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?
ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Who’s the fax machine player in Skrillex?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.