I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭

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Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk


Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.


[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW


Me *at my office*: β€œDo you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: β€œI’m not smoking.”
Me: β€œNo, I meant your kid.”


Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.


can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”


-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim


The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb


Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.