@mo_HoC7

I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭

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@KimmyMonte

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

@ericsshadow

WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

@Donna_McCoy

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

@pointsymmetric

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.