@KentWGraham

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

You Might Also Like

@FeelingMervis

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

@xofreckles

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

@WeekendTwitr

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

@mrjohndarby

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

@Brampersandon_

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

@BoogTweets

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

@offbeatoliv

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh