@KentWGraham

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

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@GreenEyedJedi

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

@SergioValenCo

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

@thatudiboy

Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.

That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.

@Snarfernini

There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family

@imagine_vegas

Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked

@KyleSmells

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry what?

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?

them: *unintelligible but louder*

me: haha yeah

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@House_Feminist

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King