I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Fights fire with marshmallows
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
the dark web is just a goth google.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.