My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic