Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called