I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.
I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.
Now we wait.
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*
WIFE: I tried to tell-
ME: the stork flew so far!
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.