@ilovepie84

I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.

Now we wait.

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@Schmoodles

I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.

@copymama

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

@ndiquote

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

@Oshungurl

It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@thenatewolf

*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*

ME: unbelievable

WIFE: I tried to tell-

ME: the stork flew so far!

@msevilroyslade

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

@panmidwest

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

@better_off_dad

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

@stevevsninjas

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.