I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.