I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”


911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.


Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.


Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.


Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*


My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.


You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.


Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey


Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.


I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.