I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth