I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Canada has crack?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
crying
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*