I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married