I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom