I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Fact: the only way to stop eating chips and salsa is to be shot by a sniper
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.