@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

@SnarkyMommy78

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

@Norsebysw

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

@BigJDubz

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

@DurtMcHurtt

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

@HansomeHoosier

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.