“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Passwords are more important than ever.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
At an art museum and I thought this was art