I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan