Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Judge: “Reason for divorce?”
Me: “Reconcilable differences.”
Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”
Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew