Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo