I’ve seen:

•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.


I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?


The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.


*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*


I want to look hot on tinder.


Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair


If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?


may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning


Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Goldblum”


I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.