I’ve seen cartons of cigs with less filters, boo.

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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.


Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.


I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.


I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.


Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.


No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.


If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.


Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho