In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I’ve seen cartons of cigs with less filters, boo.
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Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
If half-empty water bottles were currency, I’d be rich af.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.
No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.
If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho