You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
<- sleeps well with others
Every work call, he judges.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Ion see the issue
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I am, perchance
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.