Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
im all 3
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.