@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

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@aissalanis

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

@NewDadNotes

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

@NOT_UmaThurman

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

@LadyJanieGeek

Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”

@AngryRaccoon2

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

@2questionable

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@bamb00zld

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.