I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.


[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog


[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”


Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”


Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.


Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.


Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.


Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.