@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

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@blade_funner

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

@AimeeHelene1

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

@OfficeofSteve

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

@ilovepie84

I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.

@poutinesmoothie

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

@Moi_RaRa

Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.