@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

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@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

@_elvishpresley_

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

@AndyAsAdjective

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

@GrantTanaka

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

@RedIsDead

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

@Mom_Overboard

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM