Okey dokey.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”