I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.