I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.