I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed