I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.