Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people’s hair
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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TEACHER: how was your summer?
STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.