I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

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Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?


HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?


I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.


I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I’m keeping it.


[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?


Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”


If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.