@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

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@KalvinMacleod

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

@LOsepyan

When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@zachreinert03

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.