Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I’m keeping it.
Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
2) Shoes you can’t afford
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.