I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Meow
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
honestly, i need both:
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids