I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
rise and shine we got egg
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter