I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.