I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?