I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”