I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

You Might Also Like


My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !


[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.


Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….


Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!


[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest


“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*


My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.


So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”