@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

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@BlaineKy

My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

@baeblacksheep

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

@deLusticious

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

@MikeBigby

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

@_NinJar

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

@realHamOnWry

My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.

@adamgreattweet

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”