I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix