I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.