I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

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I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare


My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.


Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.


I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.


When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”


Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.


Wife: Do you get turned on by underwear commercials?

Me: Depends.

Wife: That’s disgusting.


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.


Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw